A month later

Is it true? Can it be? Have I really been home for a whole month now?

What with a lot of people to see, a lot of pictures to share, and an overly full to-do list, the month has flown, and I feel like I've had little time to actually reflect on my experiences, and what it's been like to be home. Now that I've seen a lot of my people, spent many hours sharing pictures, and checked a few things off of my list -- including one very big one today: "Take Step 2" -- I think I can say a little bit more about October. Primarily, that it's been hard. First off, going from the most amazing 2 month elective to one that I'm less than thrilled about has understandably induced some depression. Of course, I don't think I could have scheudled anything in October that wouldn't have paled in comparison to Kenya.

And the rest of life has just been...life. You know, the random minutiae that must be dealt with on a day to day basis. Stuff that, in the end, really doesn't matter, but you still have to do it just the same. Going to work, coming home, housework, homework, meetings, assignments, tests, etc.... it's all just such a drag. Much more so than usual. I find myself, strangely unfulfilled.... in a way that I wasn't before. Not to say that there's anything wrong with my life. Not at all. I just experienced the fullness that my life /could/ have... all of the things it /could/ be... and now that it's not like that anymore... well, it just sucks. I know it sounds weird, to be happy and not happy at the same time. I guess the best way to describe it is going into your attic to find your favorite painting has been stored in the sunlight for years, and now the colors are less bright, less vivid, and it won't ever be the same again.

And of course I've channeled all of these emotions into busy-ness and a full schedule... until this afternoon, when all I could think about was Kenya. This afternoon was also my scheduled time to start taking out my braids, which, at 6:20, I still haven't started yet. To be quite honest it makes me sad. Once I start, there's no turning back -- I don't imagine half-braided hair would look good at all. If I didn't have my first interview in a few weeks, I think I'd leave it in longer, but I suppose the longer I leave it in the harder it will be to take out (logistically and emotionally). It's about the hair and it's not about the hair. I can't remember the last time -- if ever -- I had a hairstyle that I liked every single day and that took about 60 seconds every morning. I really think I've gotten a significant amount more sleep this month than I would have otherwise. So yeah, I'm really gonna miss that. But, it's more about what the hair represents. On any give day in clinic 2-5 parents would ask me about my hair, how long it took , was it all my own hair etc. It was an automatic and easy way to talk about Kenya, I got to do it 2-5 times a day, and I didn't even have to be the one to bring it up. With my hair, it felt like a small part of me was still in Kenya, still a part of the country. And after it's gone...it's almost like my last tie to Kenya in the US will be falling on the floor in chunks along with my synthetic extensions. The other huge thing is that I said goodbye to Joe and Sarah Ellen on Sunday, as Wednesday they're heading back to Eldoret after their month in the States.

Goodbye to the Mamlins, goodbye to my hair... it's like all those difficult goodbyes from a month ago are happening all over again. No matter how hard I've tried to cover it up and move on, a month later, I still miss Kenya just as much as I did the day I left.